I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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