How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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