There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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