Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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