found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize