i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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