My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
