I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
