It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
