Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
