toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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