Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i think my cat just said my name.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
