well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
how do flat chested girls get laid?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
