I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
