I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
