Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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