Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
