I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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