Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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