they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
