Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
