I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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