i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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