oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
