i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
