Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
