Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
