Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
