I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
