I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
