Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
