I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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