I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have feelings that need drinking.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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