so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
