When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
