I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
