I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
