are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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