I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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