So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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