In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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