Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
