i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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