someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
