I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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