I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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