You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
