he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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