I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
