no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
