a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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