I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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