i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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